down...

im having a down day. and i dont like it.

colbie

colbie caillat's new cd is perfect for my life at the moment...here are a few of my favorite lines from her new songs:


no i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own


so i cant keep on running
no i just cant keep on running away from here
i know that the only way to beat it is to fight my every fear
im not gonna make it til i turn around and face it alone


so go on, go on and break my heart
i'll be ok, theres nothing you can do to me
thats ever going to bury me
so go on, go on and leave my love
out on the street, im fearless
better believe im fearless, fearless


lets just try to slow it down
we crash when we race


i see your blue eyes, every time i close mine
you make it hard to see
but i never told you, what i should have said
no i never told you, i just held it in


when you took my heart, you took it all
when you gave it back, it fell apart



basically, i love colbie. lots.

the past

ive been having a very stressful and emotional week...some things from my past have been brought up again...after years of me pushing them aside and choosing to ignore them....and now all those emotions and thoughts that i should have dealt with back then are in my head and i cant seem to get away from them. i know there are some issues i need to work out, and i realize that the healthy thing to do is just accept it all and try to move on. but i just really hate it. life was easier when i was able to pretend nothing had happened. all the jokes about it and my ability to act like it was nothing....all gone. now everytime i think about it im full of regret and shame.

i made some tea today and on the tea bag wrapper it said:

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

so....i guess thats a sign that i need to just accept the things that i did in my past....easier said than done. ive spent years trying to pretend im someone im not. my past is my past, and its really going to take some effort on my part to be ok with it. im not big on sharing intimate details of myself, and the fact that its out in the open now (well, more than it was before) makes me feel very vulnerable and insecure. im thankful for the people who have discussed this with me, and im not regretting sharing this part of me with any of them....its just surprising me how much this is affecting me. i wish i had just dealt with these feelings back then....now it feels like i have years of built up anxiety and guilt about it and its going to take that much longer for me to feel comfortable with myself.

im not good at dealing with my insecurities. and lately ive been wondering if ill ever be good enough. i dont have the best track record with friendships/relationships and im worried that my friends are going to realize that and bail. and theres also the question of ever being good enough to find someone interested in relationship stuff....i just feel like im a little on the broken and damaged side right now.

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

thats really difficult. i havent always loved who ive been in the past...not much to be proud of. so what am i supposed to do? how can i accept that and move on? i hope to only get better from this point on, but what if i fail? what if ill always be known for the mistakes ive made and the people ive hurt? i only hope that people can forgive me for all the stupid things ive done, and understand that even if im not there yet, i WANT to be better. i want to be more reliable, more loving, more honest. but i just cant seem to let go of my past self.

anyways....i guess im just rambling cuz after all these emotions came rushing out....getting that message on a tea bag wrapper really made me think. im going to do my best to love, or at least accept, my past... and not be so ashamed of it. and then i will focus on moving forward.

on this earth...

i had a conversation with jass earlier tonight and she shared a thought of hers....it made me very happy, and so i need to share.

she said that we are not put on this earth to make money, or start businesses or anything like that....but that we are on this earth to love. she strongly believes that loving other people, friends or family or significant others, is the very most important thing, and if you were to step back and look at your life, that is what you should be focusing on. no matter what your ambitions are, always remember that its the people that make you who you are, and the people that are going to help you achieve your goals, and help you celebrate once you get there.

i agree with her 100%...whats the point of life if youre not taking the time to LOVE your people?? above all things, we need to pay attention to how we show our love to one another. take in the little things, small gestures of affection. they make all the difference.

im so happy that she talked about it and shared those thoughts of hers. she is one smart girl!!

undeserving

i am a really lucky person. i dont know what i did to deserve the friends i have, but it amazes me every day how incredible they are. and even more amazing is the fact that theyve chosen to keep me around all these years.

to my ladies:
thank you for all the love and support you give me. i know i would be a complete mess without you all. you keep me focused and in line, since as we all know....im a teeny bit scatter-brained. rob-you get major points for all the "EM!"s you give me when i get distracted...thanks. i also want to thank you girls for the comfort you give me. anytime i question my path i know i can count on any of you to encourage me and remind me that im alright. you help me feel confident in myself, because really, how bad can i be if i have friends as wonderful as you?? the most important thing i think...is to thank you for the smiles and laughter....without any one of you, my life would be so incomplete. you each have your own way of making me lose my mind laughing. and i cant imagine life without that feeling. the uncontrollable, all-over-body-shaking, cant-hardly-breathe type laughing. its what keeps me going. i LIVE for the times we all get together cuz i always know i will be 100% entertained. you are all so goofy and silly, by the end of most nights...my face hurts from the constant smile! i really hope you ladies know how important you are to me!!! life would be pretty dull without you.

Country Splash 09!!

Country Splash 09 pretty much rocked my world. heres a list of things that make me happy about it:

our neighbor Tunz, who likes to say 'tons', tons
the guy who complimented my teeth and then asked 'you brush em dont you?'
beersbie - brilliant new game...ask me and ill teach ya
the irish guys...wearing matching shirts
losing the car key...for a really long time...
last minute decision to camp....best spur of the moment decision i'd say
losing the car key...again....
lady antebellum
the guys walking around in speedos
complimenting some girl's dress...then finding out it was Jass
my flip flop tan lines
the saturday night sundae
9am beer
10am captain coke
11am drunk text to the sista
naptime in the truck
bringing our own drinks to the bar
realizing that kenny chesney is AMAZING in concert
sarah still having her rascal flatts pass stuck to her chest sunday morning

uh....some parts are hazy....but overall....legendary weekend!!!!

sounds like life to me

so ive been in a funk the last few days...feeling bummed out and stressed...and then i heard this song...and remembered...we all have our issues...and everyone has their own tough times...but whats the point in wasting time moping around about it...when i can be enjoying the sunshine and music and laughter??? there is just too much GOOD to focus my energy on the BAD.

Sounds Like Life To Me, by Darryl Worley

Got a call last night from an old friend's wife, said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon, he's been gone all afternoon
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully's and found him at the bar
I say hey man, whats going on, he said I dont know where to start

Sarahs old car's about to fall apart and the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home and the baby's cutting teeth
I didnt get much work this week and i got bills to pay
I said I know this aint what you wanna hear, but its what I'm gonna say

Sounds like life to me, it aint no fantasy
It's just a common case of everyday reality
Man i know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you're caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Well his face turned red and he shook his head, he said you dont understand
Three kids and a wife depend on me and I'm just one man
To top it off I just found out that Sarah's two months late
I said hey bartender set us up a round we need to celebrate

Sounds like life to me, plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life.

missing you....

i miss the wallins....

the happy couple....

wild and crazy ryann grace....

and of course..sweet baby elle....

come back soon please!!!!!

feeling...

"i still love you....can't you feel that?"

i recently found a page in an old journal of mine that consisted of only this quote. i cant for the life of my remember where i heard it, but i definitely remember the feeling. it gave me chills. more than just hearing someone say the words "i love you"...imagine the FEELING. deep in your stomache, much more prominent than anything you hold in your mind. i have days where i wonder what true love feels like...since the first thing that pops in my mind when i hear the phrase 'true love' is 'husband'...but then i close my eyes and remember all the different forms of love. love between parents and their children. between sisters. between friends. and i get that feeling. to honestly, unconditionally love those people in my life. its so much more than just a mind-thing. its an all over, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes feeling.

and my joy from that feeling makes me really excited to experience the husband/wife kind of love someday...i see couples like my parents, who have been married forever and still make each other laugh, and my sister and brother in law who continue to act like giddy teenagers together, and larissa and mark, who are so far beyond best-friend status it amazes me. i hope to have the chance to find someone who thrills me the way they all seem to thrill each other. i'd love to experience that sort of love.

i dont know who, if anyone, will even read this...but if someone is...i want you to sit back, close your eyes, and think about someone you love...whoever that is. just sit and FEEL it. dont just KNOW it....focus on the way it affects your stomache....and your smile! the comfort. the joy. the honesty. ahhhh...it amazes me.

New Year's Resolution:

to start the year off...we went ice skating at the depot...

went small town bar-hopping with jen...

another wild and crazy gasthofs night....

my first Wild game....

and a great night out to celebrate sarahs birthday!

more to come soon!!! 

To be alive...

To be alive: not just the carcass

But the spark.

That's crudely put, but...

If we're not supposed to dance,

Why all this music?

--Gregory Orr

em...thats a cop.

so...i got a speeding ticket today....and it made me happy??

very weird..but i feel like i needed a good kick in the butt to remember to slow down and relax a little. in the literal way, ive been driving like a crazy person lately, so im glad i got caught so i can stop doing it. and figuratively, since i got on my quarter-life-crisis-go-out-and-live-life-kick, i might have been pushing a little too much to do-do-do. i still want to get out and experience new things, but i want to also remember the little things. like laying around sarahs apartment watching greek. or secretly gossiping with jodi at work. or robyn and i venting our shared hatred of olivia and spencer. or wasting 23 minutes at work chatting with larissa. those things made me enormously happy recently, and i dont want my desire to live-large to prevent me from noticing these small, yet vital parts of life.

so yes. i am officially the type of person who enjoys getting a speeding ticket every now and then. whacha gonna do about it?!?!

To-Do List

My To-Do List:

Get a caricature done

Swim with a dolphin

Go to Vegas

Sing Karaoke

Visit Six-flags

Fly over an ocean

See Chicago

Invent a drink

Learn to golf

Fall in Love

Build a sandcastle

Watch the sunrise

Take a long road trip

Fly a kite

Finish college

Get a professional massage

Go to a wine-tasting

Learn to tie a tie

Finish a scrapbook

Have a picnic

Learn to use chopsticks

Become a parent

Plant a tree

Be comfortable in heels

Go sailing


to be continued...

quarterlife...

so...im having a bit of a quarter-life crisis lately. i cant stop thinking about my own funeral. its morbid and a little sick, i admit, but its constantly on my mind. i really just want it to be...memorable? i want people to show up. i want them to share stories. i want them to remember all the wild, crazy, sweet, emotional, old-lady, goofy times we'd shared. and because of this desire, im feeling a rush to get out into the world and have new experiences.

im so terrified of looking back at my life and having regrets over missed opportunities. i have passed on great events in the past, mainly out of fear. im not great with new things, new people, new ideas, and so i tend to say 'no' more often than i feel i should. my new years resolution for 2009 is to do something completely new each month. so far, my new thing for january was ice skating (yes, ive gone before, so its not 100% new, but its definitely been years since ive gone), and it was an incredibly positive experience. i had a lot of anxiety over it, so the fact that it went so well is very encouraging. i really want to get over this fear of new things.

im 24. i've done my share of crazy things, and i have multiple journals and photo albums full of my memories. but im not done. i want to have stories. im tired of looking back and thinking 'man i wish i had done that, i wish i had said yes'. im not at all ready to leave this world. im not at ALL ready to say goodbye. it scares me more than anything, the thought of saying goodbye. to my parents. to my sisters. to my girls. i cant imagine life without any one of them. i want to do as much as possible with them so that i feel i completely made the most of my time with them. we're only here for so long...i cant imagine wasting it away.

a smaller part of my crisis is based on my fear of losing my friends. the closer they all get to moving away, marriage and/or children, the more aware i am of our different life-timelines. not that i feel those are negative events at all...im hoping to have a family someday too, and i completely support my friends in achieving these goals, its just that since right now we are all young and responsibility free, i want us to take advantage and go out and use this time to be adventurous and....DO things.

i occassionally wonder about who i am. truly. what do i like, what do i dislike? what are my talents, my weaknesses, my passions? i can answer these questions, for the most part, but i just have this sense that there is more out there. ive always envisioned my life to be like my parents'. find that special someone, get married, raise a family. my parents have always been about family. im thankful every day for all they've done in order to keep us happy healthy and loved. i still plan on attaining those things, just not right now. i dont feel that ive done enough soul searching. i want to know more about myself, my thoughts, my opinions, before i even think about those life goals. maybe its selfish, im not too sure how it sounds to other people...but thats how i feel.

so....i need to get out. i need to DO. anything and everything. i want to learn, do, see, listen, feel, accept. i want it all. and im determined to do it.