the past

ive been having a very stressful and emotional week...some things from my past have been brought up again...after years of me pushing them aside and choosing to ignore them....and now all those emotions and thoughts that i should have dealt with back then are in my head and i cant seem to get away from them. i know there are some issues i need to work out, and i realize that the healthy thing to do is just accept it all and try to move on. but i just really hate it. life was easier when i was able to pretend nothing had happened. all the jokes about it and my ability to act like it was nothing....all gone. now everytime i think about it im full of regret and shame.

i made some tea today and on the tea bag wrapper it said:

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

so....i guess thats a sign that i need to just accept the things that i did in my past....easier said than done. ive spent years trying to pretend im someone im not. my past is my past, and its really going to take some effort on my part to be ok with it. im not big on sharing intimate details of myself, and the fact that its out in the open now (well, more than it was before) makes me feel very vulnerable and insecure. im thankful for the people who have discussed this with me, and im not regretting sharing this part of me with any of them....its just surprising me how much this is affecting me. i wish i had just dealt with these feelings back then....now it feels like i have years of built up anxiety and guilt about it and its going to take that much longer for me to feel comfortable with myself.

im not good at dealing with my insecurities. and lately ive been wondering if ill ever be good enough. i dont have the best track record with friendships/relationships and im worried that my friends are going to realize that and bail. and theres also the question of ever being good enough to find someone interested in relationship stuff....i just feel like im a little on the broken and damaged side right now.

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

thats really difficult. i havent always loved who ive been in the past...not much to be proud of. so what am i supposed to do? how can i accept that and move on? i hope to only get better from this point on, but what if i fail? what if ill always be known for the mistakes ive made and the people ive hurt? i only hope that people can forgive me for all the stupid things ive done, and understand that even if im not there yet, i WANT to be better. i want to be more reliable, more loving, more honest. but i just cant seem to let go of my past self.

anyways....i guess im just rambling cuz after all these emotions came rushing out....getting that message on a tea bag wrapper really made me think. im going to do my best to love, or at least accept, my past... and not be so ashamed of it. and then i will focus on moving forward.