guilt guilt and more guilt.

im failing. and i dont know how to stop. its almost as if im TRYING to fail. trying to make people mad. trying to embarass myself. trying to push everyone away. why cant i just stop it?

i had 3 people in one week tell me how upset they are at me for being MIA. all 3 made me feel like absolute crap, cuz i honestly thought, since i was having a really hard time in my life, i was allowed to just be alone and focus on myself...but ended up making them mad. robyn explained it to me in a sweet and respectful way, that i need to lean on my friends more, instead of shutting them out....and i understand what she means and im so thankful that she explained it like that....my intentions werent to be cruel. i was trying to fix my own problems, without bringing everyone down with me. i felt pretty confident that everyone knew i was struggling with the whole marc situaion, but apparently no one understood how depressed i was. i never anticipated the guilt that would come from kicking him out, or the drama that would come from emailing with my aunt. i dont think ive ever felt like less of a person than i do right now. my dad is disappointed in me today, and i dont blame him one bit, cuz ive been petty and immature about a lot of this. every time another lie was told about me, or my roommates, or my boyfriend, i felt the need to defend and try to tell my side. but clearly that was unnecessary, as it only made things worse and worse and worse. i cannot believe how bad things have gotten. i never imagined this. i always knew i would eventualy have to kick him out, and this time, i thought i had a perfectly good reason, and that everyone would back me up. i wish i had just left it alone. i dont regret the fact that he's moved out. it needed to happen. btu i regret the ways i went about it. i regret taking offense so much to his lies. i regret not having the self control to step back and say 'well, hes a liar, and it doesnt matter what he says about me'. i wish i could have let it go. i know the truth. i know what really went on in my house. i know that i tried to make it work, and found him impossible to live with. i dont think anyone else could have done more than i did. going in, NO ONE thought it was a good idea, and somehow we all lasted over a year living under one roof. the fact that it fell apart should not be a surprise. im sure my aunt is upset that it didnt work, cuz i dont think any parent would be excited about their 26 year old child moving back home. but i feel like she is putting all the blame on me, and trusting his lies and now thinks that she made a mistake in making this deal with me. i feel horrible and worthless and embarassed and frustrated. ive dealt with people spreading lies about me before, i should know by now, that as long as i know the truth, and the people that truly matter to me know the truth, i should just shrug it off and move on. i wish i was more like my dad. in his opinion, i got what i want, and now i should move on. but no matter what....the fact that it ended on such horrible terms is killing me. i feel guilty that marc has to take a step backwards in life, i feel bad that my aunt and uncle had to take him back in, i feel bad that my parents are most likely losing 2 of their friends. i feel horribly guilty that i messed this all up. i also worry about messing up future payment plans with my aunt. i cannot let this happen, and im terrified of the consequences. i need to find a replacement roommate and have no idea where to even begin looking. i have so many emotions. i didnt expect to even care about him moving out. i thought i would feel relieved. btu the amount of guilt that ive felt the last month has taken over my life. its all i think about.

im exhausted. and now that he is officially out, im finding out how many other things ive neglected while i was so consumed with the roommate ordeal....my friends feel ive ignored them. i guess i did. i was so in my own head that i didnt even have the thought of hanging out with people or talking on the phone. all i wanted to do was try to relax. and even that wasnt happening, as there always seems to be stuff that needs to be done. i need to work, i need to get to the gym, i need to clean this or that, clean out the garage, try to spend quality time with ben, get some sleep....there just never seemed to be enough hours in the day to satisfy me. i constantly wanted something more. i still feel like i need something more. its kind of pathetic to admit this...but i do want someone to baby me a little and tell me that its ok for me to feel like this, and its ok for me to be sad and pout. i feel so out of control lately, i just want someone to take care of me. i want people to stop waiting for me to plan things, or call them, or do things for them. call ME. plan things for ME. and if you dont want to hang out with me, or wait for me to stop being such a depressed piece of crap....call other people. we have an amazing group of friends, and it makes me really sad that since ive finally, for once in my life, gotten a boyfriend that im seriosu about, and things going on for just myself, that our group seems to be falling apart. and its not just in my head. plenty of people have told me that they feel disconnected to the group, and we never hang out anymore. i dont like how guilty i feel for ruining the harmony of the group. so many people have mentioned that im the 'magnet' or the 'connector' or whatever...which is great, im glad i was able to take all my favorite people and form a group, but that doesnt mean it shoud be completely up to me to get everyone together. i feel people should make more of an effort to hang out without me. i supported all my friends in relationships, and accepted the fact that their SO's came before me, it really bums me out that its causing problems now that im doing the same thing. i want the freedom to focus on me and ben. we are still kind of new, and are sorting things out for ourselves, and planning our future and i think i SHOULD be able to focus on that. and i realize this rant is making me sound ridiculous but im just so frustrated and being in my head sucks and i want to unload.

so anyways. yeah im having a rough time right now. im feeling a lot of guilt and a lot of frustration and a lot of pity for myself. its horrible and embarassing and annoying, im sure. but at least now, if anyone is curious as to why im such a miserable person lately. there it is. im struggling to get my life back under control, and i feel like im a disappointment to so many people and its hard to pick myself back up.