so...im having a bit of a quarter-life crisis lately. i cant stop thinking about my own funeral. its morbid and a little sick, i admit, but its constantly on my mind. i really just want it to be...memorable? i want people to show up. i want them to share stories. i want them to remember all the wild, crazy, sweet, emotional, old-lady, goofy times we'd shared. and because of this desire, im feeling a rush to get out into the world and have new experiences.
im so terrified of looking back at my life and having regrets over missed opportunities. i have passed on great events in the past, mainly out of fear. im not great with new things, new people, new ideas, and so i tend to say 'no' more often than i feel i should. my new years resolution for 2009 is to do something completely new each month. so far, my new thing for january was ice skating (yes, ive gone before, so its not 100% new, but its definitely been years since ive gone), and it was an incredibly positive experience. i had a lot of anxiety over it, so the fact that it went so well is very encouraging. i really want to get over this fear of new things.
im 24. i've done my share of crazy things, and i have multiple journals and photo albums full of my memories. but im not done. i want to have stories. im tired of looking back and thinking 'man i wish i had done that, i wish i had said yes'. im not at all ready to leave this world. im not at ALL ready to say goodbye. it scares me more than anything, the thought of saying goodbye. to my parents. to my sisters. to my girls. i cant imagine life without any one of them. i want to do as much as possible with them so that i feel i completely made the most of my time with them. we're only here for so long...i cant imagine wasting it away.
a smaller part of my crisis is based on my fear of losing my friends. the closer they all get to moving away, marriage and/or children, the more aware i am of our different life-timelines. not that i feel those are negative events at all...im hoping to have a family someday too, and i completely support my friends in achieving these goals, its just that since right now we are all young and responsibility free, i want us to take advantage and go out and use this time to be adventurous and....DO things.
i occassionally wonder about who i am. truly. what do i like, what do i dislike? what are my talents, my weaknesses, my passions? i can answer these questions, for the most part, but i just have this sense that there is more out there. ive always envisioned my life to be like my parents'. find that special someone, get married, raise a family. my parents have always been about family. im thankful every day for all they've done in order to keep us happy healthy and loved. i still plan on attaining those things, just not right now. i dont feel that ive done enough soul searching. i want to know more about myself, my thoughts, my opinions, before i even think about those life goals. maybe its selfish, im not too sure how it sounds to other people...but thats how i feel.
so....i need to get out. i need to DO. anything and everything. i want to learn, do, see, listen, feel, accept. i want it all. and im determined to do it.
