life is good.

oooooook so my last new entries were sad. no no no. that just cannot be!!!!! i guess there has been a change....for the better...cuz i am currently one. happy. girl. and by happy i mean...SUPER happy. ben moved in....i no longer have to work ridiculous hours at work....im working out again....i got to spend last weekend being lazy with a bunch of my favorite girls....and things are....good! =)

i feel like my life is actually going somewhere. and im very very excited about that.

wtf

sometimes i get sad. sometimes i can figure out a reason, and sometimes...im just sad. life gets overwhelming and i am the type of person who desires time alone to cry and think about things. it sucks when i get confused though and take it out on the wrong people. i think i really upset someone i love today. i wish i could go back and handle it differently. or i wish i could fast forward to when im done being so down. cuz this middle part of watching myself continuously fight and hurt this person and make things more and more complicated really sucks. i dont know whats wrong with me.

i miss my happiness. i miss my confidence. i miss the way i used to not rely on anyone or anything to make me content. i just was. i just knew i had a good life. but lately i feel ive gotten to the point where i expect other people to make me happy. thats not fair. i need to go back to how i used to be and take care of myself. the things other people do that please me....that just adds to my good life....it doesnt make it!

so anyway....im gonna crawl in bed and watch some crappy tv and cry out all this sadness so tomorrow i can go back to normal. cuz im just so so tired of this. this is not the girl i want to be. im so much better than this.

down...

im having a down day. and i dont like it.

colbie

colbie caillat's new cd is perfect for my life at the moment...here are a few of my favorite lines from her new songs:


no i never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own


so i cant keep on running
no i just cant keep on running away from here
i know that the only way to beat it is to fight my every fear
im not gonna make it til i turn around and face it alone


so go on, go on and break my heart
i'll be ok, theres nothing you can do to me
thats ever going to bury me
so go on, go on and leave my love
out on the street, im fearless
better believe im fearless, fearless


lets just try to slow it down
we crash when we race


i see your blue eyes, every time i close mine
you make it hard to see
but i never told you, what i should have said
no i never told you, i just held it in


when you took my heart, you took it all
when you gave it back, it fell apart



basically, i love colbie. lots.

the past

ive been having a very stressful and emotional week...some things from my past have been brought up again...after years of me pushing them aside and choosing to ignore them....and now all those emotions and thoughts that i should have dealt with back then are in my head and i cant seem to get away from them. i know there are some issues i need to work out, and i realize that the healthy thing to do is just accept it all and try to move on. but i just really hate it. life was easier when i was able to pretend nothing had happened. all the jokes about it and my ability to act like it was nothing....all gone. now everytime i think about it im full of regret and shame.

i made some tea today and on the tea bag wrapper it said:

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

so....i guess thats a sign that i need to just accept the things that i did in my past....easier said than done. ive spent years trying to pretend im someone im not. my past is my past, and its really going to take some effort on my part to be ok with it. im not big on sharing intimate details of myself, and the fact that its out in the open now (well, more than it was before) makes me feel very vulnerable and insecure. im thankful for the people who have discussed this with me, and im not regretting sharing this part of me with any of them....its just surprising me how much this is affecting me. i wish i had just dealt with these feelings back then....now it feels like i have years of built up anxiety and guilt about it and its going to take that much longer for me to feel comfortable with myself.

im not good at dealing with my insecurities. and lately ive been wondering if ill ever be good enough. i dont have the best track record with friendships/relationships and im worried that my friends are going to realize that and bail. and theres also the question of ever being good enough to find someone interested in relationship stuff....i just feel like im a little on the broken and damaged side right now.

love what is ahead by loving what has come before.

thats really difficult. i havent always loved who ive been in the past...not much to be proud of. so what am i supposed to do? how can i accept that and move on? i hope to only get better from this point on, but what if i fail? what if ill always be known for the mistakes ive made and the people ive hurt? i only hope that people can forgive me for all the stupid things ive done, and understand that even if im not there yet, i WANT to be better. i want to be more reliable, more loving, more honest. but i just cant seem to let go of my past self.

anyways....i guess im just rambling cuz after all these emotions came rushing out....getting that message on a tea bag wrapper really made me think. im going to do my best to love, or at least accept, my past... and not be so ashamed of it. and then i will focus on moving forward.

on this earth...

i had a conversation with jass earlier tonight and she shared a thought of hers....it made me very happy, and so i need to share.

she said that we are not put on this earth to make money, or start businesses or anything like that....but that we are on this earth to love. she strongly believes that loving other people, friends or family or significant others, is the very most important thing, and if you were to step back and look at your life, that is what you should be focusing on. no matter what your ambitions are, always remember that its the people that make you who you are, and the people that are going to help you achieve your goals, and help you celebrate once you get there.

i agree with her 100%...whats the point of life if youre not taking the time to LOVE your people?? above all things, we need to pay attention to how we show our love to one another. take in the little things, small gestures of affection. they make all the difference.

im so happy that she talked about it and shared those thoughts of hers. she is one smart girl!!

undeserving

i am a really lucky person. i dont know what i did to deserve the friends i have, but it amazes me every day how incredible they are. and even more amazing is the fact that theyve chosen to keep me around all these years.

to my ladies:
thank you for all the love and support you give me. i know i would be a complete mess without you all. you keep me focused and in line, since as we all know....im a teeny bit scatter-brained. rob-you get major points for all the "EM!"s you give me when i get distracted...thanks. i also want to thank you girls for the comfort you give me. anytime i question my path i know i can count on any of you to encourage me and remind me that im alright. you help me feel confident in myself, because really, how bad can i be if i have friends as wonderful as you?? the most important thing i think...is to thank you for the smiles and laughter....without any one of you, my life would be so incomplete. you each have your own way of making me lose my mind laughing. and i cant imagine life without that feeling. the uncontrollable, all-over-body-shaking, cant-hardly-breathe type laughing. its what keeps me going. i LIVE for the times we all get together cuz i always know i will be 100% entertained. you are all so goofy and silly, by the end of most nights...my face hurts from the constant smile! i really hope you ladies know how important you are to me!!! life would be pretty dull without you.